On Being Found When I'm Lost.

Assalamu'alaikum wr. wb.

In the past few days during the holiday, I was thinking about so many things. Things that led to so many other questions; especially related to one's happiness.

Why is it that now -- when I am already older, having a husband, having a decent income -- I don't feel happy? Why are there so many plans and expectations lying ahead of me that make me feel like I am on a race in life; that there are things to be achieved at a certain point in life, and failing to do so make me feel distressed?

So starting from a few days ago, I began to plan things out: map things to be achieved each year, try to figure out when to get a Master's degree, try to determine when to buy my own property, when  to have children, when to expect a certain income level, et cetera. However, at some point I stopped and think: If I'm trying to stick on my plan and my budget, I will be unhappy because I won't be able to spend extra pennies for travelling or relaxing at my favorite spa. Even worse, I also doubt that I would be that happy even if I do achieve my targets. Why do I need to be unhappy while chasing targets that might not even make me happy either? And now you ask me why did I say that achieving the targets might not make me happy? Because at some point in life, I thought being the person that I am today (a wife with decent income and other materialistic things) would make happy, but apparently it doesn't. I keep wanting for more and more while being drowned in unhappiness.

However, God showed me His way today. Unexpectedly, my mentor today sent out a tweet which basically said, "What makes you unhappy might not be the lack of entertainment, but the lack of solemnity in your prayers.", which hit me hard. I actually think so too. During those times when I felt close to God, I felt much more content and happy than I am today. 

So I did my prayer, read the Quran, and masyaAllah, the verses which I read were Surah Mu'minun (around ayah 59 - 68). The verses, according to my understanding, were talking about:

1. How the world is just temporary, and the eternity only happens in the hereafter; 
2. That when we feel like things are not working in life, or when we really want to have something in life, we should just pray to Allah, believe in Him, and He will grant it for us; 
3. That Allah had created night and day (for us to work), had given us countless of blessings, but we are not grateful, and we forget that the Judgement Day will come, and forget to ask for His mercy; 
4. That He had created us, and made some of us face death as a reminder, and that He could just do it whenever He wants to do it: "Be, and it is" (kun fayakun).

It made me feel so small. Made me feel like all of those plans and expectations, would not be able to happen if Allah doesn't allow them to happen. I understand that hard work is important, but at the end of the day, after all the hard work, the only thing we should do is pray and ask Allah as He will be The One who makes all our dreams come true. And above all, it made me feel relieved, and made me realize that the key to happiness comes from within ourselves, by continuously and solemnly asking for Allah's mercy. Now I understand why Islam is liberating, because by believing in Allah, I don't need to worry so much about this worldly life as this is just temporary and we will all come back to Him someday.

I feel tremendously grateful to Him for giving me this direction. Thank you, Allah, for bringing me back to You when I am lost. All this time, I've missed You.

Wassalamu'alaikum wr. wb.